Not only are we facing grief as a widow but how to handle all the different issues we face once the loss of our significant other has happened.
Susan Bradley, CFP, CeFT, founder of Sudden Money Institute makes such a great statement, “When money changes, life changes, and when life changes, money changes.“We think we know what we will do when we either gain or lose money but until we are in that situation, you really don’t know. Many things come up, requests happen, doubt, fear, the bag lady syndrome, all these things arise and when the loss happens, unexpected, or even unknown expenses come up and need to be dealt with as soon as possible.
For me, just the word control freaked me out. It went against all I was taught as a Christian woman. She is so, “controlling.” Most women were labeled more by other women than men. Like it was the worst word in the entire bible so for many of us as believers, this is a battle in our soul. The guilt! We don’t want to be called controlling so to take control of our finances as a widow plays in to that fear. I want to give you freedom that it is ok to take control of your finances and your life before you make mistakes that can cost you your future.
There are many decisions widows need to be cautious about that we tend to make after loss and even before.
When your significant other dies, you may be faced with enormous feelings of grief, fear, and uncertainty.
These are moments you feel least able to cope with life, when you are low on emotional and physical energy, you have many decisions to make that can permanently affect you: your finances, your family, your livelihood, and so much more.
Many don’t understand what you are going through and there are immediate concerns to take care of after your spouse’s death, including the funeral or memorial service.
Critical issues, including settling his estate, knowing and understanding where you are financially and possibly collecting death benefits are issues you are facing.
This is a true time of loneliness even though many people might be around you.
Below are some things to think about before you start making decisions and plans that can affect you for the rest of your life. I made just about every one of these mistakes however, now I treasure those mistakes because I can share them with you.
This is a list comprised of Susan Bradley, CFP®, CeFT® work in Sudden Money, Managing a Financial Windfall and Kathleen M. Rehl’s, Ph.D., CFP®, CeFT® work with widows along with myself.
Understanding what a decision free zone means and take advantage of it. This is critical and where I made so many mistakes. Educate yourself! Educate yourself. Although you might be overwhelmed with feelings, understanding this time is vitally important.
Susan Bradley’s Decision Free Zone, is just as it sounds. The Decision Free Zone (DFZ) creates an environment that is free from emotion-based decisions and is a time where you grieve, and do only the necessary things that need.
Don’t give up control.
This is very difficult because the reason so many widows lose friends is that the friends and family do not necessarily understand not just the technical side of money but the personal side and all the emotions around that. The widow now has to make a lot of decisions when she is not ready to so in that, it is easy for so many to want to help but the widow might want to learn and there is a tug of should I or shouldn’t I. If I want help, I will ask and most widows will. Take your time.
Making major decisions without understanding the implication of those decisions in the long term.
Something I did was start a business a year after my husband passed. I should have counted the cost. The reality is starting a business is about 5 or more times the cost of what you think and the time. It takes a tremendous amount of time to build a business let alone walk through the stages of widowhood that you face within the first several years. Then when you have invested the amount of finance, time and effort, it can be difficult to walk away.
You do need to make a list of important quick decisions right away so that later you won’t have the repercussions from a wrong delay such as taxes. IE giving money away when you have not filed your first year taxes.
Have a good CPA.
Change your trust or have one made.
Delay any gifting financially until you know all that you have or don’t have or what might need to be paid. I had to pay a lot of past bills and responsibilities that I was unaware of. When your husband is sick (or your wife) these things can grow without you knowing or realizing it if he (or she) has been the person handling the finances and this happens in about 60% of marriages.
Understand your expenses and cash flow.
Two ways a widow can get into a bad financial situation, overspending and bad investments. These are the two biggest mistakes a widow can make. I made them both. I learned a lot about myself and my finances through an amazing finance coach (he was and is awesome). Although I was not making huge purchases, he encouraged me to really track every penny. It took me one year to see my patterns and habits. Eating out was huge! The reason is because as widows, we don’t want to be alone and we don’t necessarily want to talk to either so this solves a problem for us but becoming aware of it and making changes is key. I cut all my expenses by 65% and began getting back in to cooking which I always loved. I loved cooking new meals and old favorites for my family however, I felt that since I did not have anyone to cook for, why? I did not realize this decision was affecting my future because it was cutting into my savings. I cut out coffee purchases at Starbucks that I made a habit of buying daily. This actually gave me freedom and I made a new habit of eating through lunch, then taking a coffee break and reading later in the afternoon.
I have four different accounts and three business accounts. Keep them separate. I have an emergency cash fund. A savings fund. A trust fund and regular checking account for my monthly expenses.
With investments some good rules of thumb are:
When will you get your money back? Will you be paid interest on that investment? Will it be diluted and a good financial advisory/planner or business associate can help with these decisions.
Don’t neglect all the difficult feelings and emotions that happen a long the way.
You will not be the same person a year later. It is difficult to imagine but trust those of us who have walked this path. You will not be the same person a year after that either.
In regards to love after loss, you will feel lonely and this could cause you to possibly get involved in a relationship to soon after loss. Give yourself time for your thoughts, to become acquainted with yourself again, to be solid in your financial future. Then let love blossom.
Continue to educate yourself!
Then wherever you are in this place, look in the mirror and say, “I’ve got this.” Maybe you have not made the best decisions or maybe you have but now you are learning and growing. As a widow, although that might be our status, like married or single or whatever but let’s not be a victim but a victor.
